Dont forget to check out the ladies at Visible Mondays
Today I had a “man” tell me that I needed to be more humble if I wanted ‘him” to hit on me. I told him I wasn’t too sure what he was talking about and he said if I wanted a man “like him” to hit on me the I should be more humble. I asked what kind of man he was and was told by one of my friends that he was an anesthesiologist. Great – good for HIM. He’s also a light skinned black man so I guess he must be a fucking unicorn.
I said that I still didn’t understand what he was on about, my mistake being that when he told me that I was “pretty” I must have made some off-the-cuff remark instead of humbly grovelling that he had recognized said “beauty”. He said it once, I said thanks, then he said it a second time, and knowing me (and the copious amounts of alcohol imbibed during the day) I must have said something arrogant. Honestly, its been a long day and I don’t recall half of the conversation. When he accused me the second time of not being humble enough I said I didn’t know what humility had to do with it – either I’m attractive or am not. Perhaps not the most humble thing to say, but I was tipsy. He replied that I must have a “boyfriend” who made me feel a certain way. I said I didn’t. But I did have a HUSBAND who made me feel a very special way. Said unicorn-black-anesthesiologist then turned his back on me and did not speak nor acknowledge me for the next 2 or so hours that I was in his presence. My loss… I guess I was not the desperate female he was not looking for today.
It made think of something I saw on the internet where an experiment was run by some ladies who responded with confidence when they were complimented. If they were not “humble” in their response they were shamed by the complimenter. e.g. you are attractive- yes i know -oh you are such a bitch. etc. That article made me smile. Apparently, only men can bestow our confidence upon us, but our acknowledging that we ARE attractive is a cardinal sin. They can see our beauty in a bar, but we cant see it in the mirror – every bloody day. I mean think about it, once he realized that I had a husband, my self-confidence then made sense to this guy. His world-view was returned to normal. God forbid self-confidence should be internal!
The funny thing is, I don’t particularly think that I am that amazing. Yes, I think I have an OK body, saggy tits and all, but if my hubby says “tyra banks” I turn to mush. I’m racked with guilt and self-doubt most of the time. Most of the time I am amazed that I can even make it out of the bed in the morning, I’m that crazy. My sisters are drop dead gorgeous, and the joke in my family was that at least I was the “smart one”. I think I have always been very accepting of compliments as i often think that the next one I hear might be the last.
Plus, I’m extremely hormonal right now. So for this black man, this holy grail trifecta – educated, black and a doctor – to say that to me, made me wonder. huh? And his response of ignoring me tickled me. I’ve met many a man who have been amused that I’m married but take it in stride. I’m a flirt, always have been, in a harmless way. I don’t write about my husband as I wish to protect his privacy. However, within 2 minutes of a live conversation with me you will know three things about me – I’m from Africa, I have a husband and my daughter is amazing. Do I get a measure of satisfaction from being married – yes of course, but like other things in my life that give me satisfaction, I HAVE WORKED HARD FOR THIS MARRIAGE.
So for this unicorn, whom I had not met before, to take it upon himself to bestow upon me how I should feel about myself?? HUH??
I learned long time ago, that how I feel about myself is dependent upon one person and one person only. MYSELF. Yes, a compliment here and there is good for the ego. BUT, if I give you the power to tell me how to feel about myself, then I also give you the power to take that feeling away. So, sorry, not sorry.
I don’t share power like that. Especially to some random I just met in a bar. I understand you are a doctor and all, but I work with doctors all damn day… some of you are amazing. And some are arseholes. I’m NOT giving you my power. Period. Only I can tell myself that I suck (I know, the stuff I say to myself). AND only I can say to myself that I am a good friend, a good earner, an excellent partner and good mother. So f%&k you gorgeous unicorn black anesthesiologist. Go find somebody else to give your compliments to. I’m. NOT. It.
One of the benefits of being almost 38 I guess.
Thanks for stopping by. Stay humble. And don’t let random people tell you how you should feel. About you. I’m sure Mr. unicorn is a great guy… just not to me today. And if I really was an arsehole to him… then so be it. carry on.